Merry CHRISTMAS and “I am sorry”
This is only paper and these are only words. This is a less than adequate medium to express a more than moderate statement. The typical Christmas greeting is “Merry Christmas”, I, however, would like to offer an “I am sorry” in its stead. Thank you and congratulations and for getting past the title and the subject of this article and caring enough to read further. The entire subject of “gay Christians” seems to be wrought with strong opinions. The Christian church wants to deny the truth of those two words sitting side-by-side, and the gay community wants to hiss at gay Christians, calling them traitors and not wanting to associate with them. It is a complex subject, it is not well studied and it is filled with prejudice. And, it is time to look at it.
Your brave and kind editor, Laura, asked me to perhaps bring understanding to the topic of “why should the gay community care about Christianity?” and “why now?” If you have read any of my columns over the previous ten months, you may know that I am a straight, Evangelical Christian. Please don’t stop reading here . . . I am not the enemy and this may be one of the most important things I ever write in RENO OUT and it may be one of the most significant things the spirit inside you ever reads, so please, stay with me to the end. You may well receive a new message or you may be refreshed by the old message you remember from your childhood.
It is December, and try to escape it as we may by saying “Happy Holidays”, at the center of all the hub-bub is the word “Christ”. The figure at the very core of this season, Jesus Christ, has been so distorted and His message so hijacked that is may appear to you that He is the guy holding the very large judgmental hammer you have felt, the bouncer at church doors saying, “No, you can’t come in here.” He is not doing that. I do not know how this message of love, grace, mercy and equality got twisted to hypocrisy, prejudice, bigotry and hierarchy, but it did.
There are no sure numbers I could find that could tell me definitively what percentage of the gay community has been raised in churched homes. I do however know that 85% of this country consider ourselves Christians and you come from those average American families. Likelihood is, that many of you went to church, to Sunday school, made Communion and Confirmation and some of you even went to Christian colleges. True story. What happened? There is a great deal of anecdotal evidence to support that, if you are in the 35 and over group, more of you were in church youth groups while growing up. At a time when teens are inherently questioning who they are and “where do I fit in?” gay youths are also trying to figure out why they feel so different and struggle with “what is going on?” Church groups are one of the few places youth could and still can look for answers to those deeper questions. Part of the longing was being fulfilled but, mixed in with that healing balm was dose of poison. You were told that God loved you and, you were also told that God hated homosexuality. It is destructive to tell people their “problem” and then make it worse by not meeting the need. One can only hold onto the hope of a positive message for so long while feeling the rejection. The initial peace turns to bewilderment and people, understandably, walk away. We are all too often guilty of looking at the “problem”: homosexuality and not the need: to be loved and accepted for whom we are. Today, we turn the leper away; we turn the people away that we do not want to deal with. But that is not the example of Jesus; He touched the leper, He met the need. That is the Jesus of the Bible, not the bouncer-Jesus.
Gay men, by anecdotal evidence (there are no hard studies here), tend to seek spiritual answers more often than do lesbians or straight men. The gay male brain frequently appears to be hard-wired more like a female brain. The right and left lobes are bridged making gay men more artistic and spiritual than straight men. This cannot be a surprise to anyone. It certainly is my experience in gay Christian communities. The overwhelming predominance in gay churches is male attendance and participation. This is not so in traditional churches. In mainstream churches, mostly women attend. I have a pal named Todd who lives in San Francisco and he is a gay man with a Pentecostal background. If you don’t understand that terminology, he did church with colorful preaching, respondent and loud “Amens” from the congregation. Sunday services were long with no prescribed time to end. He was not welcome in his home church when he came to terms with his sexuality. He wanted his church family to accept that he was still a Christian, yet a gay man at peace with his same sex attraction. That did not happen. He joined a secular support group of men also coming to terms with sexuality and it was there that he saw an abundance of spirituality within the group. Many participants came from Christian homes, but were now being told “you are not welcome here”. So, they took their searching elsewhere, somewhere where they would be accepted. They left Christian churches and took their spiritual inclinations to bridge-building belief systems, away from the ones that had just rejected them based on sexuality. This scenario makes total sense to me. If I were raised in a home that suddenly turned abusive, unloving and critical, I would try to leave that home and in an attempt to create a new family of acceptance and love elsewhere. I would look for a new family to adopt. This is exactly what is happening. Gays raised in churches are leaving them and going to accepting belief systems or, not attending any churches at all.
To those of you who look at this figure of Christmas, this Jesus, with distain, I would like to offer more than just apology. I would like to offer truth. Christianity has lost it’s way in this modern world. I go to church every Sunday and I really do mean every Sunday. I have been at the same church for over twenty years. I treasure my Pastor, I love the people I congregate with, I learn, I grow and I would never undermine that experience. Where the bulk of churches have gotten off message is in regard to homosexuality. You’ve undoubtedly heard it all: damned to hell, reprobate, sodomite, unworthy of God’s love, yada, yada, yada. If we move beyond those distortions to what the pure and simple message of the Bible is, and that is this: that all people are equal, all people have equal access to God, and all people have equal access to grace. You are part of that all.
Let me clarify a few things about this Jesus. The misconceptions are great. On a long hike one day, with just about every subject exhausted, I asked a lesbian friend of mine if she would be open to me telling her why I am a Christian. Stuck in the midst of 14 miles where she could not out hike me and get away, she consented and was surprised at my depiction of this supposed “woman-hating” Jesus. Jesus broke down all barriers of His time of racism, of sexism, of hierarchy. He actually said that those who look down on someone else are the ones that God is displeased with. Oh, and not just a slap-on-the-hand displeased with. He called them “sons of Hell” and that was the religious leaders He was chastising. Conversely, the ones that the “holy” people saw as outcasts, sinners, aliens, poor and bothersome . . . these are the very people that Jesus cared about. Jesus spent His time with these people.
Christianity has lost it’s way on some issues of social justice and it’s apparent relevance in your community. It is not a religion of dos and don’ts. It is really about a direct relationship with a God who will make Himself clear to you when you are open to it. You don’t get away with bad behavior, straight or gay when you are trying to follow the model of Jesus. It has taken me twenty five years of following Him to get some areas of my life in line. The church doors were wide enough to let me in with all my baggage. You may only have a duffle sack compared to me, but if it is labeled “gay”, you may think you have felt disqualified. You have not. This is an actually a story from the Bible, a parable spoken by Jesus in the book of Matthew. He talks about a time of judgment after death when He decides if you have the pass to enter heaven; He will look at how we each treated the lowest of the low. That will determine what kind of person we are. There are steps to becoming a Christian, beliefs you must agree with; I do not intend to minimize that, but He will assess the validity of that conversion by how we treated those on the edge. I know how I feel about that topic; I know the compassion I feel for the abuses towards your community and I again, and again I say “I am sorry”.
So why should you even care to look back at that old issue and reconsider getting involved again? Why should you chance the condemnation, the pain that comes with that rejection? There is not a simple answer to any of this. I have had the privilege to be at the forefront of much of this discussion and in settings where I see, experience and discuss these questions with the leaders of this social justice movement. Things are changing. Youth are coming out sooner and not staying hidden; they are forcing society to see them. It then flows over to the churches. Gays in churches have friends and family who are also reacting to the abandonment of people they love. People are recognizing lies they are being told about those people. Realizing that someone has a same sex attraction may fill in a few blanks, but it does not change who they are. Christian gays and their allies are asking the churches tough questions and discussion really is happening. Secular gay organizations are becoming wiser too. Successful engagement between secular gay communities and the church will not occur by running into St. Patrick’s Cathedral in a pink leather thong with the intent to desecrate the Communion host. This is very counterproductive, albeit newsworthy. Like it or not, our spiritual beliefs as a nation guide us and the two sides must begin having thoughtful conversation. We are human beings first before sexual beings. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to exhibit mutual respect?
I would be negligent not to mention that there are many Christian denominations that are gay-friendly. There may even be some mainstream churches in our town where you can walk in hand-in hand with your partner. But, try doing that in one of our larger churches in town. Actually, don’t do that in one of our larger churches in town. I can safely tell you that Light of the Soul United Church of Christ on Sunnyside will welcome you as you are. Pastor Denise and her partner Teresa are Christians and they will help bind the old church wounds for you and you will find a home where Jesus is preached.
I spend a lot of time with my gay friends and I have hundreds, yes hundreds of gay Christian friends. I am involved in two active groups (The Gay Christian Network, gaychristian.net and The Evangelical Network, t-e-n.org) and two open and affirming Christian churches (Light of the Soul UCC in Reno lotsucc.org and Freedom in Christ Evangelical Church in San Francisco www.freedominchrist-sf.org). I have experienced what typical straight Evangelical Christians never get exposed to. I go to conferences, church services, have many very close relationships, stay at the homes of, visit and recreate regularly with my gay Christian friends. I am becoming a place of connection and hoping to create a space of understanding. I am on line most days on gaychristian.net which is an online community of ten thousand gay Christians worldwide. It was started seven years ago as a blogsite by a wonderful man named Justin Lee. He is only thirty-one. He googled “gay+Christian” and surprise, surprise, nothing in the affirmative popped up. He started blogging his thoughts and struggles and studying and The Gay Christian Network evolved. I have stated before and want to do so publically here. If at the end of my life, Justin Lee is not one of the five most significant people I know, I will be surprised. He is gay, he is Christian and he is a trailblazer. He is becoming very visible and in demand as a speaker. He is gentle, humble, funny, talented and dedicated. He is the man behind the Gay Christian Network. I had dinner with him just this week and was amazed yet again at his heart and vision for this organization. He has tried to create a place where those youth of yesterday can now safely go for answers and where the youth of today can find answers no longer mixed with healing balm and poison. Most churches will never address the questioning going on in a gay teen, so this online community exists. It is a place to congregate when a church building is not welcoming or available. It is necessary and effective and pure genius. There is one international GCN conference each year (gaychristian.net/conference). I have gone to two conferences. When I attended in Seattle in 2007, I was the only straight Christian there. That amazed me. How could the church be ignoring this group? The group picture attached to this article is from the conference in DC last January. There will be another gathering this January in Anaheim. Straight ally attendance is growing and that is encouraging.
I interviewed Justin for this article and he had a very interesting point I had never considered. Like it or not, faith plays a huge role in society. Try to escape it and you will be ignoring a force that you will have to reckon with on some level. It may wise to look at what this is all about simply to be able to gain understanding. The LGBT community is at a great disadvantage if it chooses to ignore this influencer. You can only cause change with understanding. Ignoring the topic of Christianity just continues the circular argument . I have long wondered why some of the prominent LGBT rights organizations have not tried to engage the church with the help of the LGBT Christian community. Put simply, if you have one side speaking Russian and the other side speaking Swahili, not too much real communication is going on. I know this approach is inching along in change. I hope to be part of that change by speaking “church” to the church in support of the LGBT Christian community. Back to pal, Justin, he is often asked “why” he bothers to be part of “them”, why he chooses to be a Christian in an atmosphere that is questioning if he can even be gay and Christian. He says he will not concede to the haters. He will not forego the purity of his faith. He stands to reclaim the message of the Bible, and it is this: mercy, love, grace and equality.
I often visit and have numerous friends at Freedom In Christ Evangelical Church in San Francisco and it is not filled to overflowing each Sunday night. Did you read that correctly? NOT filled to overflowing. How can it be that in the “most gay’ city in the U.S. the gay Christian church is a small congregation? Pretty simple answer really. If the gay population is much maligned by what they think are Jesus-followers, why would they go where He is at the center of the service? Why would they go to “enemy camp” even if it is “camp out”? I wish I could take the knowledge I have in my head and put it in yours so that you would understand that the words hurled against you are misused. There are many sources and books for you to do the research and that is a conclusion you must come to yourself. The questioning and research must be intentional. No drive-up, order and got-it here. I can’t tell you that everything you’ve heard about your unworthiness is untrue; but you’ve got to go work that out for yourself. A great start though is to reading is an online book called “Christianity and Homosexuality Reconciled” by Dr. Joseph Pearson, and it can be found for free at http://members.aol.com/cebijp/book.pdf.
The Jesus of this Christmas season is not a woman hater, He is not a hater of the gay community, He is not sexist or racist or about dos and don’ts. If that is the message you have gotten, please take the time to battle that distortion in the way that most suits you. Go to Light of the Soul here locally and let them show you our Jesus. They worship Him there, not their “gayness”. Pastor Denise brilliantly says. “We had no choice in being gay, but we do have a choice in being Christian.” Absolutely brilliant. If you are a reader, check out Dr. Pearson’ online book. Hang out with Christians that seem to get it; you’ll know who they are. They are the ones who let you be you and love you the way you are. I am not a solo flyer here. I have lots of straight Christian friends who are solid and loving and will never slam you. I was surprised recently to discover that a woman whom I had been in a very structured Bible study with shared my views. She also knew of at least six closeted lesbians in the study who wanted to learn, but had to stay closeted. I know they would not have been embraced for who they are in that environment. But, bless my friend Sal, she is loving and accepting and does exemplify the real Jesus. Jesus spent time with the people others did not want to spend time with. You’ll be able to spot the authentic ones, get to know them, you may actually like us.
I hope this crack in the barn door allowing a peek inside at what really was born in the manger that starry, starry night. It was a bundle of love wrapped in flesh come down from a God Who allows equal access to Himself. Jesus grew to be mercy, love and grace, and who can’t use a little of that? Have yourself a “Merry Little Christmas” and check out the object of the season. Please, please don’t let Christians or your past experiences keep you from investigating Jesus Christ. The church has really messed up here and we are on a path to coming back to a place of grace; we’ve not modeled it very well to your community. Find a safe spot, check it out and come to your own conclusions about how God really does perceive you. It may well be the best gift you every gave yourself. . . freedom to be who you are and a possibly new view of your worth, which in the eyes God is exceedingly great.
Kathy Baldock
kathybaldock@helloworld.com
October 1, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
(IN)TOLERANCE
(IN) TOLERANCE
By the time this article is published, we will know who our next President will be. About half of us will be disappointed and the rest elated. Right now however, when I open my inbox, there is usually some political propaganda in there. Someone trying to convince me how unsuitable and evil the “other guy” is. One e-mail today really irritated me. It was so clearly cut and edited and out of context and demonized one candidate. Now, this is my own particular view, but I am more offended when people use and quote the Bible using some unfounded authority to attack another person. I wholly understand wanting to adhere to standards, but doesn’t it seem crazy to attack other people with a book based on love?
I have conversations almost daily in person or online with people who want to argue with me about what I say in vlogs or attack me for my beliefs. I do get many wonderful and grateful comments, but I also get called lots of nasty names, assumptions are made about me and people disagree in quite unkind ways. I think I can say this in honesty: I have not attacked back; I have not succumbed to name-calling and have not disrespected anyone for expressing their viewpoint. Can you say that? After all, we are an intolerant people. And it goes in all directions. Black, white. Native born, immigrant. Gay, straight. Jew, Muslim. Man, woman. Democrat, Republican. Working, not working. Fit, fat. Ugh . . . why are we so busy being arrogant and thinking our way is the way? Intolerance is bigotry. People will hold different ideas politically, socially, in religion, emotionally. That is the stage set before and behind us. How I respond to other-thinking people is what determines my intolerance-temperature. It determines if I am bigoted.
I have never hidden in these monthly articles that I am a devote Christian. I am not proud of the treatment of the gay community by the church at large. Some co-believers get it a bit twisted and try to strong arm you to act just the way we do. That is not my job, not our job. When I tell challengers that I know hundreds of gay Christians, they tell me that is not possible and I should be somehow straightening this group out rather than defend them. Hmmmm . . . that is not what I see in the Bible. This is what I see “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently. If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.” (Romans) Interesting isn’t it? God tells me He is big enough to talk to you and correct you where He wants to do the correcting if the two of you have a conversation about it. The sign-holding haters at the San Francisco Gay Pride parade must have missed these verses. The woman who kicked me out of a Christian Business Women’s group for my desire to allow gay Christians to attend must have missed these verses. Lots of well-intentioned people have missed these verses.
I was having lunch yesterday after I went to church with two friends who happened to be lesbians and I was explaining how I view emotional healing and what I see as necessary prerequisites. I know what has worked for me and others and it is contrary to what so many believe, but I voiced it without wavering. One said, “How did I get to be 55 and never hear this? If you were a preacher at a church, I would go to your church.” How did she get to be 55 and never hear it? Easy. She was not welcome in most churches to hear what I have heard, not invited to be genuine and simultaneously struggling, not unconditionally loved for exactly where she was because she is gay. I, however, being straight, can be genuine and struggle, and unconditionally loved while I get my act together. That process has taken over twenty years. Twenty years of consistently clinging onto God’s able hands. She, however, was indirectly told she had to change her same sex attraction before the deeper changes could happen. Valid? No. Look back to the verse above. I am to welcome and He is about the changing of what He wants to change.
I am filled with anecdotal stories and conversations from relationships I enjoy. I spend a lot of time listening to hearts, to lives. I want the same possibilities for others that I have benefitted from. But, if you hear over and again that you are not allowed to come near my God, that you are less than, how can you be open to welcoming His input? My buddy, Ryan, in D.C. is a gentle, sweet man who is beautiful inside and out. It has only been in this past year that he has started to understand that he can get intimately close to the same God-power that I can. He is gaining a new view of himself, one of great worth and it is changing his life and he is making good choices. He will become the man I see in my faith-eyes who will deserve an excellent partner who will adore him. I was in St. Louis recently for work and another dear gay man Henry played host to me several times and took me to his church Sunday morning, the St. Louis Metropolitan Community Church. I feel honored when I get to participate in those situations. It evokes a combination of awe and pain. It makes me cry. I stood with about three hundred mostly gay Christians and worshipped the God I worship in my home church, the same God some people say the gay community cannot have till they “straighten up.”
Intolerance can happen when I am so sure that I have it all figured out and that I must be right, but those opinions are from my history. My history. When I see other views and beliefs as evil, something has gone very wrong. It will often lead to abuses and, in the worst cases, genocide. So, here we are, in a new political atmosphere, in a new administration. Will you be kind enough to listen to the other side without anger and in fact, with kindness? And let’s slide into another venue . . . will you be kind enough to tolerate my people-group and let me believe the way I feel comfortable believing, the way that works for me? Will you allow me to think I am right? My hairdresser of twenty years is a devote Buddhist; I don’t think we have ever had a disagreement or said one hurtful or cutting thing to one another. Will you let the person of another color of skin speak and live the way that is comfortable to him? Will you treat a person who struggles with weight the same as an Athena? Bigotry has many flavors, but is has the same base, intolerance. It has absolutely hurt the gay community. I think all our Moms told us “tit-for-tat” is not in keeping with the most golden of rules. So, I try to react well when people attack me and want me to think as they do; they try to force me to see my error. They want to correct my thinking. But again, God is big enough to handle me too. The wonderful thing is: the more I exercise that patient listening skill, that deference to other possible ways, the better I get at it. Last anecdote, I have a lesbian friend locally who likes to introduce me this way; “This is Kathy Baldock. She is everything I hate in a person. She is heterosexual; she is a born-again Christian and a registered Republican. But, I love her”. Thank goodness she could see beyond all my “flaws” and has allowed herself to give me a chance; we have a wonderful friendship. I like the flow in and out of my life of diverse people; I learn so much. What are you missing out on in the spicing of your life with your own bigotries? We all have them; some of us are working on them. I grew up in a moderately bigoted home, my children did not. I can’t expect everyone else to change, but I can hope for myself that I have and will continue becoming more tolerant. My preacher said in a sermon that true tolerance can only be practiced by those who have well grounded convictions. I want my convictions to let you be who you are, and I hope it is mutual.
Kathy Baldock
By the time this article is published, we will know who our next President will be. About half of us will be disappointed and the rest elated. Right now however, when I open my inbox, there is usually some political propaganda in there. Someone trying to convince me how unsuitable and evil the “other guy” is. One e-mail today really irritated me. It was so clearly cut and edited and out of context and demonized one candidate. Now, this is my own particular view, but I am more offended when people use and quote the Bible using some unfounded authority to attack another person. I wholly understand wanting to adhere to standards, but doesn’t it seem crazy to attack other people with a book based on love?
I have conversations almost daily in person or online with people who want to argue with me about what I say in vlogs or attack me for my beliefs. I do get many wonderful and grateful comments, but I also get called lots of nasty names, assumptions are made about me and people disagree in quite unkind ways. I think I can say this in honesty: I have not attacked back; I have not succumbed to name-calling and have not disrespected anyone for expressing their viewpoint. Can you say that? After all, we are an intolerant people. And it goes in all directions. Black, white. Native born, immigrant. Gay, straight. Jew, Muslim. Man, woman. Democrat, Republican. Working, not working. Fit, fat. Ugh . . . why are we so busy being arrogant and thinking our way is the way? Intolerance is bigotry. People will hold different ideas politically, socially, in religion, emotionally. That is the stage set before and behind us. How I respond to other-thinking people is what determines my intolerance-temperature. It determines if I am bigoted.
I have never hidden in these monthly articles that I am a devote Christian. I am not proud of the treatment of the gay community by the church at large. Some co-believers get it a bit twisted and try to strong arm you to act just the way we do. That is not my job, not our job. When I tell challengers that I know hundreds of gay Christians, they tell me that is not possible and I should be somehow straightening this group out rather than defend them. Hmmmm . . . that is not what I see in the Bible. This is what I see “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently. If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.” (Romans) Interesting isn’t it? God tells me He is big enough to talk to you and correct you where He wants to do the correcting if the two of you have a conversation about it. The sign-holding haters at the San Francisco Gay Pride parade must have missed these verses. The woman who kicked me out of a Christian Business Women’s group for my desire to allow gay Christians to attend must have missed these verses. Lots of well-intentioned people have missed these verses.
I was having lunch yesterday after I went to church with two friends who happened to be lesbians and I was explaining how I view emotional healing and what I see as necessary prerequisites. I know what has worked for me and others and it is contrary to what so many believe, but I voiced it without wavering. One said, “How did I get to be 55 and never hear this? If you were a preacher at a church, I would go to your church.” How did she get to be 55 and never hear it? Easy. She was not welcome in most churches to hear what I have heard, not invited to be genuine and simultaneously struggling, not unconditionally loved for exactly where she was because she is gay. I, however, being straight, can be genuine and struggle, and unconditionally loved while I get my act together. That process has taken over twenty years. Twenty years of consistently clinging onto God’s able hands. She, however, was indirectly told she had to change her same sex attraction before the deeper changes could happen. Valid? No. Look back to the verse above. I am to welcome and He is about the changing of what He wants to change.
I am filled with anecdotal stories and conversations from relationships I enjoy. I spend a lot of time listening to hearts, to lives. I want the same possibilities for others that I have benefitted from. But, if you hear over and again that you are not allowed to come near my God, that you are less than, how can you be open to welcoming His input? My buddy, Ryan, in D.C. is a gentle, sweet man who is beautiful inside and out. It has only been in this past year that he has started to understand that he can get intimately close to the same God-power that I can. He is gaining a new view of himself, one of great worth and it is changing his life and he is making good choices. He will become the man I see in my faith-eyes who will deserve an excellent partner who will adore him. I was in St. Louis recently for work and another dear gay man Henry played host to me several times and took me to his church Sunday morning, the St. Louis Metropolitan Community Church. I feel honored when I get to participate in those situations. It evokes a combination of awe and pain. It makes me cry. I stood with about three hundred mostly gay Christians and worshipped the God I worship in my home church, the same God some people say the gay community cannot have till they “straighten up.”
Intolerance can happen when I am so sure that I have it all figured out and that I must be right, but those opinions are from my history. My history. When I see other views and beliefs as evil, something has gone very wrong. It will often lead to abuses and, in the worst cases, genocide. So, here we are, in a new political atmosphere, in a new administration. Will you be kind enough to listen to the other side without anger and in fact, with kindness? And let’s slide into another venue . . . will you be kind enough to tolerate my people-group and let me believe the way I feel comfortable believing, the way that works for me? Will you allow me to think I am right? My hairdresser of twenty years is a devote Buddhist; I don’t think we have ever had a disagreement or said one hurtful or cutting thing to one another. Will you let the person of another color of skin speak and live the way that is comfortable to him? Will you treat a person who struggles with weight the same as an Athena? Bigotry has many flavors, but is has the same base, intolerance. It has absolutely hurt the gay community. I think all our Moms told us “tit-for-tat” is not in keeping with the most golden of rules. So, I try to react well when people attack me and want me to think as they do; they try to force me to see my error. They want to correct my thinking. But again, God is big enough to handle me too. The wonderful thing is: the more I exercise that patient listening skill, that deference to other possible ways, the better I get at it. Last anecdote, I have a lesbian friend locally who likes to introduce me this way; “This is Kathy Baldock. She is everything I hate in a person. She is heterosexual; she is a born-again Christian and a registered Republican. But, I love her”. Thank goodness she could see beyond all my “flaws” and has allowed herself to give me a chance; we have a wonderful friendship. I like the flow in and out of my life of diverse people; I learn so much. What are you missing out on in the spicing of your life with your own bigotries? We all have them; some of us are working on them. I grew up in a moderately bigoted home, my children did not. I can’t expect everyone else to change, but I can hope for myself that I have and will continue becoming more tolerant. My preacher said in a sermon that true tolerance can only be practiced by those who have well grounded convictions. I want my convictions to let you be who you are, and I hope it is mutual.
Kathy Baldock
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Trail of Understanding
THE TRAIL TO UNDERSTANDING
With a screen name like “canyonwalker”, it would seem logical that I like to hike. And, that I do. In fact, I do it essentially every day. I used to go to the gym most days but the monotony of spin class at 5:30 am could never compete with the beauty of God’s creation any time of day, any day of the year. We each have limited discretionary time and I choose to spend it in the out-of-doors. It never matters to me that I walk the same trails most days; it is a fluid experience in a familiar spot. What friend of mine has not heard, “Listen to what God told me on the path today?” Some of my best directives have come from that foot-on-dirt experience; the familiar is never the same. The larger part of trail walking that I completely enjoy is humanity; I have met such variety on the trail. Last week, I walked for two hours with a young doctoral student visiting from Holland. I have met a man that went to my small high school in New Jersey (a town of 13,000) and the same college and now lives nearby. I was amazed by a 74 year old retired college music professor one afternoon that could outdistance many 30 year olds. I walk with old friends, new ones and soon-to-be ones.
However, the single most important human relationship I have made on this daily hiking dedication is with a woman named Netto. I decided this month to let our friendship and the bigger message of it be the focus of my writing. It was on one of my daily walks in 2001 that Netto and I started walking and talking. My Brittany at the time, Puck, was quite a wandering dog. People saw him; people saw me and sometimes we two crossed paths. He did not hike with me. I spent my time thinking a lot in those days. I was in a bad place relationally and used the time to de-tox and relax. Puck and I exited the car together; I knew where he was and we ended at the same time at the car. On one of our rare same time/same place crossings, Netto commented that she wondered who it was that owned that free running canine. Me. She had owned a Brittany, understood and we got to talking, then walking, then planning to meet each other to hike. Within a short time, it was almost every weekend and now, Netto (a lesbian, and I only mention this here because it later becomes important) is one of my dearest life friends and someone with which I spend a great deal of time.
I believe life is filled with gems and chances and sometimes we are cognizant enough to see it and appreciate it and, unfortunately, sometimes we never even get a glimpse of the import and seize it. Literally, coming across Netto’s path has been one of my life-gifts. I think I am quite typical in many of my behaviors. I group together with the birds of my feather, and not. I hang with people that share my interests, and not. I pretty much had mostly straight friends and now, not. It was Netto that ushered me into circles that were not my norm. Oh my goodness . . . . in those early years of relationship, did I ask all my dumb questions! Never being offended, nor secretive, Netto answered. I can still remember absolutely, vividly, where we were on a trail when she told me she was going to a lesbian outdoors gathering where she felt “safe”. “Safe?” I wondered, I always felt safe. She said that society let her know she was the “lowest of the low” being a woman, a Native American and a lesbian. By then, Netto and I were devote friends and it actually physically hurt me that my friend would be viewed and treated that way.
I am convinced that that was the day God flipped a switch in me of compassion towards the gay community. I have some basic beliefs that do not sit comfortably with some of my Christian siblings. My God cares greatly about the injustices spewed at your community and He lights fires under His people that He knows have the mind, heart, spirit and potential to change views. There are days I have hateful words thrown at me, people that question my Christianity itself, my ethics, my gender orientation, my intellect, all because I do what I think it is that Jesus would do: stand up for those who have injustice hurled at them.
I get asked “why?” very often, why I bother with an issue that doesn’t matter to me and I must go back to that day on the trail with Netto. It is interesting that the work I do was essentially forged in a single relationship. Martin Luther King said, “People fear other because they don’t know each other. They don’t know each other because they have not properly communicated with each other.” If, just if, just suppose, just imagine, just idealize, if we actually tried to befriend one another. Tried to know each other, spend time with each other, cared and carried the burdens of one another. Wouldn’t we then be able to love one another, not demonize one another? Understand each other?
I know in the years that Netto and I h
ave spend hiking and talking for hours, we have a model friendship of two divergent types that are often at enmity with one another. I am straight, she is lesbian. (I have even learned to say while hiking, “should we go gaily forward?” at a fork in the road, rather than “should we go straight?”) I am a devote Christian; Netto calls herself an atheist. I am white; she is a woman of color. We have both been open to getting beyond the stereotypes and have invited one another into each others’ lives. It is through Netto that I have developed wonderful relationships with many, many lesbians, relationships where would have been cut out because of reverse discrimination being a straight, evangelical Christian. Netto has made it possible for me to be included in activities and relationships not otherwise possible. And I have included her in my circles and family. Gosh, even our mothers are now friends. When my Mom comes to town, there will always be an evening with dear Isabel for some food from her pueblo.
This summer, Netto and I have undertaken the fun and challenging goal of hiking the Tahoe Rim Trail. She spends the night at my house and we hit the 13 to 20 mile sections by dawn. Even after all the years and miles, we can actually talk most of the 6 to 10 hours we hike. We have so much comfort and trust we have built over the miles and over the years and nothing is out of bounds. We recently went to China together and I can’t imagine anyone on the tour had more fun than we did. We got up early and walked, explored cities at night and even got shanghaied in Shanghai and spent an extra day in China. What did we do? We did what we always do . . . we went walking and explored.
I guess what I want to convey most is the power of friendship and the bigger picture of what it creates. Had Netto or I been stuck inside the lines of what is acceptable or predicted , we would not have the free pass into each others’ world. We have we each gained invaluable insight, tolerance, understanding and acceptance into thinking and ways we wouldn’t otherwise possess. Now the Pollyanna in me will pop out. Why can’t we try to know each other, try to communicate with each other? The lines will blur, the fears will decrease, and the love will grow. I was recently at San Francisco Gay Pride working with a gay Christian church I ally with there. I took the time to go over to the Pagan Promo booth. I introduced myself and said, “Hey, I’m on the other team, but I’d like to get to know some of what you think.” I also spent some time with the sex workers’ union at their booth listening to their issues. My take-away? Everyone wants to be heard and respected.
I have a friend in Austin, Texas who works with the homeless. He calls them “guests”. He puts real faces on these people for me. He understands who they are and respects them. He has changed many of my views. When I go there, I will walk into his world with understanding and get firsthand experience in an arena I have avoided. And hence, the pebble-water ripples he
has created will touch me and affect my thinking and acting for the better. I like to think this is exactly what the relationship with Netto has done. Not only was she a tool God used for me to listen to Him more clearly on the gay/straight, gay/Christian issue, but we have created our own ripple effects of understanding, all forged on miles of trust and openness. This is not a new concept; it is an old one and it does work. Communication does dissipate fears. Try it, go out and blur those lines that get in the way too often. It can take years, Netto and I have affected many lives for the better and God smiles.
Kathy Baldock
Kathybaldock@helloworld.com
August 3, 2008
With a screen name like “canyonwalker”, it would seem logical that I like to hike. And, that I do. In fact, I do it essentially every day. I used to go to the gym most days but the monotony of spin class at 5:30 am could never compete with the beauty of God’s creation any time of day, any day of the year. We each have limited discretionary time and I choose to spend it in the out-of-doors. It never matters to me that I walk the same trails most days; it is a fluid experience in a familiar spot. What friend of mine has not heard, “Listen to what God told me on the path today?” Some of my best directives have come from that foot-on-dirt experience; the familiar is never the same. The larger part of trail walking that I completely enjoy is humanity; I have met such variety on the trail. Last week, I walked for two hours with a young doctoral student visiting from Holland. I have met a man that went to my small high school in New Jersey (a town of 13,000) and the same college and now lives nearby. I was amazed by a 74 year old retired college music professor one afternoon that could outdistance many 30 year olds. I walk with old friends, new ones and soon-to-be ones.
However, the single most important human relationship I have made on this daily hiking dedication is with a woman named Netto. I decided this month to let our friendship and the bigger message of it be the focus of my writing. It was on one of my daily walks in 2001 that Netto and I started walking and talking. My Brittany at the time, Puck, was quite a wandering dog. People saw him; people saw me and sometimes we two crossed paths. He did not hike with me. I spent my time thinking a lot in those days. I was in a bad place relationally and used the time to de-tox and relax. Puck and I exited the car together; I knew where he was and we ended at the same time at the car. On one of our rare same time/same place crossings, Netto commented that she wondered who it was that owned that free running canine. Me. She had owned a Brittany, understood and we got to talking, then walking, then planning to meet each other to hike. Within a short time, it was almost every weekend and now, Netto (a lesbian, and I only mention this here because it later becomes important) is one of my dearest life friends and someone with which I spend a great deal of time.
I believe life is filled with gems and chances and sometimes we are cognizant enough to see it and appreciate it and, unfortunately, sometimes we never even get a glimpse of the import and seize it. Literally, coming across Netto’s path has been one of my life-gifts. I think I am quite typical in many of my behaviors. I group together with the birds of my feather, and not. I hang with people that share my interests, and not. I pretty much had mostly straight friends and now, not. It was Netto that ushered me into circles that were not my norm. Oh my goodness . . . . in those early years of relationship, did I ask all my dumb questions! Never being offended, nor secretive, Netto answered. I can still remember absolutely, vividly, where we were on a trail when she told me she was going to a lesbian outdoors gathering where she felt “safe”. “Safe?” I wondered, I always felt safe. She said that society let her know she was the “lowest of the low” being a woman, a Native American and a lesbian. By then, Netto and I were devote friends and it actually physically hurt me that my friend would be viewed and treated that way.
I am convinced that that was the day God flipped a switch in me of compassion towards the gay community. I have some basic beliefs that do not sit comfortably with some of my Christian siblings. My God cares greatly about the injustices spewed at your community and He lights fires under His people that He knows have the mind, heart, spirit and potential to change views. There are days I have hateful words thrown at me, people that question my Christianity itself, my ethics, my gender orientation, my intellect, all because I do what I think it is that Jesus would do: stand up for those who have injustice hurled at them.
I get asked “why?” very often, why I bother with an issue that doesn’t matter to me and I must go back to that day on the trail with Netto. It is interesting that the work I do was essentially forged in a single relationship. Martin Luther King said, “People fear other because they don’t know each other. They don’t know each other because they have not properly communicated with each other.” If, just if, just suppose, just imagine, just idealize, if we actually tried to befriend one another. Tried to know each other, spend time with each other, cared and carried the burdens of one another. Wouldn’t we then be able to love one another, not demonize one another? Understand each other?
I know in the years that Netto and I h
ave spend hiking and talking for hours, we have a model friendship of two divergent types that are often at enmity with one another. I am straight, she is lesbian. (I have even learned to say while hiking, “should we go gaily forward?” at a fork in the road, rather than “should we go straight?”) I am a devote Christian; Netto calls herself an atheist. I am white; she is a woman of color. We have both been open to getting beyond the stereotypes and have invited one another into each others’ lives. It is through Netto that I have developed wonderful relationships with many, many lesbians, relationships where would have been cut out because of reverse discrimination being a straight, evangelical Christian. Netto has made it possible for me to be included in activities and relationships not otherwise possible. And I have included her in my circles and family. Gosh, even our mothers are now friends. When my Mom comes to town, there will always be an evening with dear Isabel for some food from her pueblo.
This summer, Netto and I have undertaken the fun and challenging goal of hiking the Tahoe Rim Trail. She spends the night at my house and we hit the 13 to 20 mile sections by dawn. Even after all the years and miles, we can actually talk most of the 6 to 10 hours we hike. We have so much comfort and trust we have built over the miles and over the years and nothing is out of bounds. We recently went to China together and I can’t imagine anyone on the tour had more fun than we did. We got up early and walked, explored cities at night and even got shanghaied in Shanghai and spent an extra day in China. What did we do? We did what we always do . . . we went walking and explored.
I guess what I want to convey most is the power of friendship and the bigger picture of what it creates. Had Netto or I been stuck inside the lines of what is acceptable or predicted , we would not have the free pass into each others’ world. We have we each gained invaluable insight, tolerance, understanding and acceptance into thinking and ways we wouldn’t otherwise possess. Now the Pollyanna in me will pop out. Why can’t we try to know each other, try to communicate with each other? The lines will blur, the fears will decrease, and the love will grow. I was recently at San Francisco Gay Pride working with a gay Christian church I ally with there. I took the time to go over to the Pagan Promo booth. I introduced myself and said, “Hey, I’m on the other team, but I’d like to get to know some of what you think.” I also spent some time with the sex workers’ union at their booth listening to their issues. My take-away? Everyone wants to be heard and respected.
I have a friend in Austin, Texas who works with the homeless. He calls them “guests”. He puts real faces on these people for me. He understands who they are and respects them. He has changed many of my views. When I go there, I will walk into his world with understanding and get firsthand experience in an arena I have avoided. And hence, the pebble-water ripples he
has created will touch me and affect my thinking and acting for the better. I like to think this is exactly what the relationship with Netto has done. Not only was she a tool God used for me to listen to Him more clearly on the gay/straight, gay/Christian issue, but we have created our own ripple effects of understanding, all forged on miles of trust and openness. This is not a new concept; it is an old one and it does work. Communication does dissipate fears. Try it, go out and blur those lines that get in the way too often. It can take years, Netto and I have affected many lives for the better and God smiles.
Kathy Baldock
Kathybaldock@helloworld.com
August 3, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Be honest for RENO OUT, Sertember 2008
Be Honest
I was down in San Francisco recently for Gay Pride. Yes, I am not gay. I went there to help some friends of mine who are members of Freedom in Christ Evangelical Church, a “gay church” in the city. I worked an information booth with them and rode their church float on Sunday. Fourteen of us dressed choir robes in colors of the rainbow and sang to a techno-pop mix of praise and worship music. Steven was dressed as an angel and sang and danced above us. I spent most of the remainder of my time in the Civic Center wearing a tee shirt I had emblazoned front and back with “Hurt by church? Get a straight apology here”. Walking around with me was my gay buddy Freddy who wore his shirt with “Gay + Christian = OK”. We were stopped very often, I listened to stories of hurt and I apologized. Many people just said “thank you”.
My eyes were treated to quite a show. Yes, there were the beautifully sculpted gay men, the gaudy transvestites, the colorful faeries, the leather crowd, the young butch lesbians, and the naked men wearing only their tans and their shoes. But, there were also the regular couples. However, the ones that made me really pause and consider were not in the abovementioned groups. They were the older couples that had been together ‘forever”, the ones that you just knew had overcome obstacles that hetero husband/wife relationships do not have to face. Those are the ones I took long looks at.
There was a pair of Asian men in their late seventies tenderly holding onto one another’s arm and dressed in similar red jackets and hats. They gently guided each other through the sometimes rough crowd. There was the gray haired woman pushing her partner in a wheel chair and bending down with whispered exchanges. The male war veterans in their late sixties in military hats and jackets embraced and listened to the concert, not saying a word to one another and connecting in soft touches. These are the forerunners; these are the ones who had to live secreted lies and lives. I wonder if the young girls dirty dancing with each other publically even consider that it was ever any other way?
In doing some of the “work” I do, I hear a lot of stories and people readily open up to me hoping I will be able to communicate information to the straight world. I have already considered that my function is becoming witness/reporter and connector. I know people in the GLBT community with difficult stories and unfortunately, I know less with non eventful stories. I see a thread that runs through it all. That thread is the ability to be honest about sexual orientation early in their lives coupled with support of family. When the underpinnings of life contain love, honesty and support, good things may then blossom.
People like the older Asian men who have had to battle cultural and societal stigmas have, in all likelihood spent a lot of time closeted. One of my 50 year old friends on the float had just come out publically. He felt brave and liberated and recognized he could be seen by many and by television on that float. He has avoided close relationships since his twenties for fear that someone might find out. The longer people have had to hide or live the lie, the more pain they have experienced. The combination of homosexuality less whispered and the openness of the internet means the younger GLBT community isn’t burdened to carry the secrets their forerunners have. I readily see the benefit of this. They can be more honest with themselves and others averting problems that do not have to be. The two generations under 30 are more tolerant of differences and more social justice oriented; it is becoming a safer environment. I am not saying the playing field is equal yet, but it is not the 60’s anymore either. Straight people may want to shove them back in the closet, but I see the emotional health in honesty.
When a person feels forces from every side speaking of their unworthiness and when pressures keep people from being who they are, a laundry list of problems arise. This is not unique to the gay community, but when you add the layer of non-reconciliation of gender attraction onto life’s problem, you get deepened pain. And we all know gay men and women who have gotten married to the opposite sex knowing they were gay and hoping to get around it and over it with heterosexual marriage. Consider the difficulties that could have been avoided if the unreconciled partner could have just been allowed by society to be homosexual. If they had just struggled to reconciliation rather than live in decades of deceit and frustration. This particular scenario is one I am very familiar with. I know dozens of men in the 40 to 70 year old range who married women in order to do “the right thing”. They struggled for years and leave devastated women and families in the wreckage when they leave. What pain could have been saved had honesty prevailed? I do understand that honesty was not the easy route, society didn’t allow for it. And when the break finally comes, people get hurt by the deception.
The youth doesn’t have to write that sad tale anymore. If you are still young, don’t take that route for the sake of your own self worth and consideration to others. Coming out is easier for this group. (Note that I say easier, not easy.) Sure, some parents will freak out and, it is said that it takes between 6 months and 2 years for parents to come to grips with the news. There are books, support groups like PFLAG, information on the internet, higher visibility of the gay community and a population that is more open to the discussion of it. I will never profess to know what anyone personally will struggle with in their own families when the news hits. The consequences could range from being kicked out of the home in one extreme to total acceptance on the other. Parents would be wise to be accepting; the resources I will mention have advice for parents too. I see the direct correlation of honesty, self worth and other-acceptance. People that have had to hide carry heavy baggage and it will affect relationships. You can’t let people in when you live in fear of intimacy, in fear of relationship.
I saw the great value of this when Kennan and his Mom stop overnight in my home on their way to Colorado this week. Kennan, in his late twenties, is amazingly mature and self accepting. His family supported and loved him in the whole coming out process. He actually expressed to me that he has never experienced any kind of bashing. Wouldn’t that be wonderful for all younger people to be able to say that? Wouldn’t it be great if people didn’t have to hide in sham marriages? Won’t it be a welcome day when polite people do not make any gay joke overtures the way that ethnic jokes are no longer acceptable? (Remember when they actually were?!)
I want to encourage people to be honest with their families about their sexual orientation for their own sakes. I believe that, when society as a whole, forces people to deny who they are, we set up patterns of destruction. If you are young and not out to your parents, there are two great resources online at: PFLAG.org and outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html. There is expert advice in these publications for parents and kids. I need to stress again: READ the resources; it can avert disastrous consequences. Simple tips: plan the conversation; do not blurt it out in anger in an argument. And choose who you come out to, use wisdom. Please don’t allow deceit to mold and confuse your life. Don’t get to be 50 or 60 and look back and see the life that should have been. The day to day can be difficult enough without enshrouding it in dark shadows.
The happiest gay people I know are honest with who they are; the ones who have experienced the most hurt are the ones who hid too long or are still hiding. Those older folks I saw at SF Gay pride had to hide. Go have a life where you can shape your own identity and not have some other group do it for you. I wish everyone could have Kennan’s story of family and self acceptance; it began with honesty and approval all around. And it resulting in a young man that I am honored to call my friend, a young man who is on a path to personal, relational and professional success. Take who you are with pride and go make the world a better place.
Kathy Baldock
July 3, 2008
I was down in San Francisco recently for Gay Pride. Yes, I am not gay. I went there to help some friends of mine who are members of Freedom in Christ Evangelical Church, a “gay church” in the city. I worked an information booth with them and rode their church float on Sunday. Fourteen of us dressed choir robes in colors of the rainbow and sang to a techno-pop mix of praise and worship music. Steven was dressed as an angel and sang and danced above us. I spent most of the remainder of my time in the Civic Center wearing a tee shirt I had emblazoned front and back with “Hurt by church? Get a straight apology here”. Walking around with me was my gay buddy Freddy who wore his shirt with “Gay + Christian = OK”. We were stopped very often, I listened to stories of hurt and I apologized. Many people just said “thank you”.
My eyes were treated to quite a show. Yes, there were the beautifully sculpted gay men, the gaudy transvestites, the colorful faeries, the leather crowd, the young butch lesbians, and the naked men wearing only their tans and their shoes. But, there were also the regular couples. However, the ones that made me really pause and consider were not in the abovementioned groups. They were the older couples that had been together ‘forever”, the ones that you just knew had overcome obstacles that hetero husband/wife relationships do not have to face. Those are the ones I took long looks at.
There was a pair of Asian men in their late seventies tenderly holding onto one another’s arm and dressed in similar red jackets and hats. They gently guided each other through the sometimes rough crowd. There was the gray haired woman pushing her partner in a wheel chair and bending down with whispered exchanges. The male war veterans in their late sixties in military hats and jackets embraced and listened to the concert, not saying a word to one another and connecting in soft touches. These are the forerunners; these are the ones who had to live secreted lies and lives. I wonder if the young girls dirty dancing with each other publically even consider that it was ever any other way?
In doing some of the “work” I do, I hear a lot of stories and people readily open up to me hoping I will be able to communicate information to the straight world. I have already considered that my function is becoming witness/reporter and connector. I know people in the GLBT community with difficult stories and unfortunately, I know less with non eventful stories. I see a thread that runs through it all. That thread is the ability to be honest about sexual orientation early in their lives coupled with support of family. When the underpinnings of life contain love, honesty and support, good things may then blossom.
People like the older Asian men who have had to battle cultural and societal stigmas have, in all likelihood spent a lot of time closeted. One of my 50 year old friends on the float had just come out publically. He felt brave and liberated and recognized he could be seen by many and by television on that float. He has avoided close relationships since his twenties for fear that someone might find out. The longer people have had to hide or live the lie, the more pain they have experienced. The combination of homosexuality less whispered and the openness of the internet means the younger GLBT community isn’t burdened to carry the secrets their forerunners have. I readily see the benefit of this. They can be more honest with themselves and others averting problems that do not have to be. The two generations under 30 are more tolerant of differences and more social justice oriented; it is becoming a safer environment. I am not saying the playing field is equal yet, but it is not the 60’s anymore either. Straight people may want to shove them back in the closet, but I see the emotional health in honesty.
When a person feels forces from every side speaking of their unworthiness and when pressures keep people from being who they are, a laundry list of problems arise. This is not unique to the gay community, but when you add the layer of non-reconciliation of gender attraction onto life’s problem, you get deepened pain. And we all know gay men and women who have gotten married to the opposite sex knowing they were gay and hoping to get around it and over it with heterosexual marriage. Consider the difficulties that could have been avoided if the unreconciled partner could have just been allowed by society to be homosexual. If they had just struggled to reconciliation rather than live in decades of deceit and frustration. This particular scenario is one I am very familiar with. I know dozens of men in the 40 to 70 year old range who married women in order to do “the right thing”. They struggled for years and leave devastated women and families in the wreckage when they leave. What pain could have been saved had honesty prevailed? I do understand that honesty was not the easy route, society didn’t allow for it. And when the break finally comes, people get hurt by the deception.
The youth doesn’t have to write that sad tale anymore. If you are still young, don’t take that route for the sake of your own self worth and consideration to others. Coming out is easier for this group. (Note that I say easier, not easy.) Sure, some parents will freak out and, it is said that it takes between 6 months and 2 years for parents to come to grips with the news. There are books, support groups like PFLAG, information on the internet, higher visibility of the gay community and a population that is more open to the discussion of it. I will never profess to know what anyone personally will struggle with in their own families when the news hits. The consequences could range from being kicked out of the home in one extreme to total acceptance on the other. Parents would be wise to be accepting; the resources I will mention have advice for parents too. I see the direct correlation of honesty, self worth and other-acceptance. People that have had to hide carry heavy baggage and it will affect relationships. You can’t let people in when you live in fear of intimacy, in fear of relationship.
I saw the great value of this when Kennan and his Mom stop overnight in my home on their way to Colorado this week. Kennan, in his late twenties, is amazingly mature and self accepting. His family supported and loved him in the whole coming out process. He actually expressed to me that he has never experienced any kind of bashing. Wouldn’t that be wonderful for all younger people to be able to say that? Wouldn’t it be great if people didn’t have to hide in sham marriages? Won’t it be a welcome day when polite people do not make any gay joke overtures the way that ethnic jokes are no longer acceptable? (Remember when they actually were?!)
I want to encourage people to be honest with their families about their sexual orientation for their own sakes. I believe that, when society as a whole, forces people to deny who they are, we set up patterns of destruction. If you are young and not out to your parents, there are two great resources online at: PFLAG.org and outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html. There is expert advice in these publications for parents and kids. I need to stress again: READ the resources; it can avert disastrous consequences. Simple tips: plan the conversation; do not blurt it out in anger in an argument. And choose who you come out to, use wisdom. Please don’t allow deceit to mold and confuse your life. Don’t get to be 50 or 60 and look back and see the life that should have been. The day to day can be difficult enough without enshrouding it in dark shadows.
The happiest gay people I know are honest with who they are; the ones who have experienced the most hurt are the ones who hid too long or are still hiding. Those older folks I saw at SF Gay pride had to hide. Go have a life where you can shape your own identity and not have some other group do it for you. I wish everyone could have Kennan’s story of family and self acceptance; it began with honesty and approval all around. And it resulting in a young man that I am honored to call my friend, a young man who is on a path to personal, relational and professional success. Take who you are with pride and go make the world a better place.
Kathy Baldock
July 3, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Pleased to meet you . . .
PLEASED TO MEET YOU . . .
There are times when I find myself in the midst of situations and I wonder, “How did I get here? What I am I expected to do with this?” I have come to the conclusion that much of what I am is a witness and a reporter. By nature, I am a connector. I hear of one person needing something and know of another who can fill that need and I am available to complete the synapse. It is becoming that way in the work I have chosen to do. I am nowhere near the point I would like to be, that of doing full time work in social justice, but I can see the efforts I put in greatly multiplied by what I call “God math” and good things coming of it.
I was recently in Mesa, Arizona for a four day conference with The Evangelical Network (www.T-E-N.org). Their mission statement states they are a group of Bible believing churches, ministries, Christian workers and individuals bound together by a common shared faith, united in purpose and witness and established as a positive resource and support for Christian gays and lesbians. They aren’t just a support. Most of them have been kicked out of mainstream churches for their same gender attraction. It was the TEN’s 20th anniversary and some very well known pioneers in the movement were there to speak. I could tell stories for hours about the people I met and the things I witnessed, but I will focus on three people: Troy Perry, Doug Schaffer and Mitt Romney. What, Mitt Romney was there?! No, that is the hook to the end of this.
Troy Perry is the founder of the predominantly gay Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). Today, it is 52,000 members strong and is the world’s largest religious denomination for the GLBT community with 314 congregations in 16 countries. In 1969, Troy performed the first public same-sex wedding in the U.S. In 2003, he and his spouse, Philip DeBlieck, were married in Canada and then filed suit against the State of California for recognition of their marriage. Within a short time, 27 more couples were added to that suit and you surely know the rest of the story there. I listened to him speak on a panel with two other pioneers and heard Troy’s story and more importantly, his passion. People have demonized Troy saying it is not possible to be gay and Christian and therefore he is deceived and deceiving others. What I saw and heard though is a humble man who loves Jesus and burns with a heart of social justice. The quick version of his story is: married at 21 under the recommendation that “getting married would cure me”, pastor and father by 22, came out at 23, lost his church, his marriage and contact with his kids for 21 years, formed MCC in his home in 1968 with 12 people at the first meeting and 1000 people were attending a year later. He lives in a very modest condo with his partner of 20 years and is now retired to speak about his faith, human rights, social justice, HIV, and marriage equality.
Quite a pedigree. Impressive, yes. I wanted some face time with him and had lunch with him one afternoon. The kindness and humility pour off him as easily as his Southern drawl. He asked about me, we exchanged stories, laughter, teary eyes and our mutual love of our faith. Then I had to ask him forgiveness for a judgment I have long held about him. I had heard for maybe 25 years about MCC and considered it church-lite, that the founder was using this as a platform for his “gay issues” and placed God second; I had heard that deception and even witchcraft was blended in the doctrine. I felt silly admitting all this after meeting the man and sitting with him over a meal. He was the gracious Troy I now would have expected. Here I am, the one who professes to be fairly non-judgmental, apologizing for the chains my beliefs have put on him. Ugh! There is a documentary coming out this year called “Call Me Troy”; I recommend you watch for it and let me connect you to a man who I am honored to know, Troy Perry.
Let me also introduce you to Doug Shaffer, assistant pastor of White Rock Community Church in Dallas, Texas overseeing the AIDS/HIV ministry called White Rock Friends. There are over 900 people on the clients list currently and Doug calls himself the “toilet paper man”. The average person on his client list lives on $660 monthly income and that leaves little for necessities after rent and drugs. The Friends supply disinfectant, toothpaste and brushes, shampoo, and toilet paper. The items are needed to keep the sufferers clean when their immune system is shot. The ministry also runs a clothing store and is considerate of their “T” clientele. A person might one month may be registered as Paul, but comes in as Paula next month and wants a women’s blouse. They have found many of their clients only get out of bed each day to feed their cat or walk their dogs; this small thing keeps them wanting to live. So, now the Friends have expanded their panty to include cat and dog food as well. I had a long dinner with Doug one night. There were ten at our table, but it was a conversation of two totally engaged in what we see God doing in people and in places. I came as close as I ever have to looking into the figurative eyes of Jesus. The eyes were housed in a gay Christian, HIV, and former meth-addict man. Looking into his face made me cry. His kindness and humility were drowning. I am honored to know Doug Shaffer.
So what has Mitt Romney to do with all this? On the way home, in the Phoenix airport, catching a layover to Salt Lake City, I moved off to a gate empty of people. I wanted to check my e-mail after four days out of touch electronically. As I typed away, a nice looking man sat two seats from me in this empty gate. I notice him, but went back to my work. I have an absurdly successful track record of interesting airport meetings (that is a whole conversation in itself). Hmmm, I thought, I recognize him. Yup, that’s Mitt Romney sitting there reading his paper and drinking his Starbucks (isn’t that against the rules?). I did what I always do in those situations that appear obvious. I ask God what I should do with it. Came back the crazy answer, “nothing”. What??? Here I am next to potentially the next V.P. of the U.S. with all this important social justice knowledge in my head and You, God, want me to ignore him? (I later found out he had been at McCain’s ranch in Sedona doing the courting thing.) Yup. So ignore him I did. Within 20 minutes the passengers to SLC discovered the favored son was nearby and the photos and handshakes and accolades began. I am in the background of some 50 photos disengaged and typing away.
I had been so filled with meeting wonderful people for four days in Mesa, my tank was full and I needed no more. It’s crazy sometimes that what seems apparent is not. I was honored to be with marvelous people that weekend at another gay Christian conference. I made friendships that will last a lifetime, I got to witness and participate in wonderful things and I will go tell my stories to people who will never get to walk where I do. I get arguments and nasty comments, but for the most part, I get to touch hearts and open minds. And, I am in good company with my friends Troy and Doug.
Kathy Baldock
There are times when I find myself in the midst of situations and I wonder, “How did I get here? What I am I expected to do with this?” I have come to the conclusion that much of what I am is a witness and a reporter. By nature, I am a connector. I hear of one person needing something and know of another who can fill that need and I am available to complete the synapse. It is becoming that way in the work I have chosen to do. I am nowhere near the point I would like to be, that of doing full time work in social justice, but I can see the efforts I put in greatly multiplied by what I call “God math” and good things coming of it.
I was recently in Mesa, Arizona for a four day conference with The Evangelical Network (www.T-E-N.org). Their mission statement states they are a group of Bible believing churches, ministries, Christian workers and individuals bound together by a common shared faith, united in purpose and witness and established as a positive resource and support for Christian gays and lesbians. They aren’t just a support. Most of them have been kicked out of mainstream churches for their same gender attraction. It was the TEN’s 20th anniversary and some very well known pioneers in the movement were there to speak. I could tell stories for hours about the people I met and the things I witnessed, but I will focus on three people: Troy Perry, Doug Schaffer and Mitt Romney. What, Mitt Romney was there?! No, that is the hook to the end of this.
Troy Perry is the founder of the predominantly gay Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). Today, it is 52,000 members strong and is the world’s largest religious denomination for the GLBT community with 314 congregations in 16 countries. In 1969, Troy performed the first public same-sex wedding in the U.S. In 2003, he and his spouse, Philip DeBlieck, were married in Canada and then filed suit against the State of California for recognition of their marriage. Within a short time, 27 more couples were added to that suit and you surely know the rest of the story there. I listened to him speak on a panel with two other pioneers and heard Troy’s story and more importantly, his passion. People have demonized Troy saying it is not possible to be gay and Christian and therefore he is deceived and deceiving others. What I saw and heard though is a humble man who loves Jesus and burns with a heart of social justice. The quick version of his story is: married at 21 under the recommendation that “getting married would cure me”, pastor and father by 22, came out at 23, lost his church, his marriage and contact with his kids for 21 years, formed MCC in his home in 1968 with 12 people at the first meeting and 1000 people were attending a year later. He lives in a very modest condo with his partner of 20 years and is now retired to speak about his faith, human rights, social justice, HIV, and marriage equality.
Quite a pedigree. Impressive, yes. I wanted some face time with him and had lunch with him one afternoon. The kindness and humility pour off him as easily as his Southern drawl. He asked about me, we exchanged stories, laughter, teary eyes and our mutual love of our faith. Then I had to ask him forgiveness for a judgment I have long held about him. I had heard for maybe 25 years about MCC and considered it church-lite, that the founder was using this as a platform for his “gay issues” and placed God second; I had heard that deception and even witchcraft was blended in the doctrine. I felt silly admitting all this after meeting the man and sitting with him over a meal. He was the gracious Troy I now would have expected. Here I am, the one who professes to be fairly non-judgmental, apologizing for the chains my beliefs have put on him. Ugh! There is a documentary coming out this year called “Call Me Troy”; I recommend you watch for it and let me connect you to a man who I am honored to know, Troy Perry.
Let me also introduce you to Doug Shaffer, assistant pastor of White Rock Community Church in Dallas, Texas overseeing the AIDS/HIV ministry called White Rock Friends. There are over 900 people on the clients list currently and Doug calls himself the “toilet paper man”. The average person on his client list lives on $660 monthly income and that leaves little for necessities after rent and drugs. The Friends supply disinfectant, toothpaste and brushes, shampoo, and toilet paper. The items are needed to keep the sufferers clean when their immune system is shot. The ministry also runs a clothing store and is considerate of their “T” clientele. A person might one month may be registered as Paul, but comes in as Paula next month and wants a women’s blouse. They have found many of their clients only get out of bed each day to feed their cat or walk their dogs; this small thing keeps them wanting to live. So, now the Friends have expanded their panty to include cat and dog food as well. I had a long dinner with Doug one night. There were ten at our table, but it was a conversation of two totally engaged in what we see God doing in people and in places. I came as close as I ever have to looking into the figurative eyes of Jesus. The eyes were housed in a gay Christian, HIV, and former meth-addict man. Looking into his face made me cry. His kindness and humility were drowning. I am honored to know Doug Shaffer.
So what has Mitt Romney to do with all this? On the way home, in the Phoenix airport, catching a layover to Salt Lake City, I moved off to a gate empty of people. I wanted to check my e-mail after four days out of touch electronically. As I typed away, a nice looking man sat two seats from me in this empty gate. I notice him, but went back to my work. I have an absurdly successful track record of interesting airport meetings (that is a whole conversation in itself). Hmmm, I thought, I recognize him. Yup, that’s Mitt Romney sitting there reading his paper and drinking his Starbucks (isn’t that against the rules?). I did what I always do in those situations that appear obvious. I ask God what I should do with it. Came back the crazy answer, “nothing”. What??? Here I am next to potentially the next V.P. of the U.S. with all this important social justice knowledge in my head and You, God, want me to ignore him? (I later found out he had been at McCain’s ranch in Sedona doing the courting thing.) Yup. So ignore him I did. Within 20 minutes the passengers to SLC discovered the favored son was nearby and the photos and handshakes and accolades began. I am in the background of some 50 photos disengaged and typing away.
I had been so filled with meeting wonderful people for four days in Mesa, my tank was full and I needed no more. It’s crazy sometimes that what seems apparent is not. I was honored to be with marvelous people that weekend at another gay Christian conference. I made friendships that will last a lifetime, I got to witness and participate in wonderful things and I will go tell my stories to people who will never get to walk where I do. I get arguments and nasty comments, but for the most part, I get to touch hearts and open minds. And, I am in good company with my friends Troy and Doug.
Kathy Baldock
Monday, May 12, 2008
SODOMITES for RENO OUT July 2008
SODOMITES
I have been doing a fair amount of youtube in the last few months on the “can you be gay and Christian?” issue mostly. I get many comments and a fair amount of personal mail; the bulk of it is kind and even greatly encouraging. Some of it, however, is sad and lonely and defeated and it makes my cry. Then, there are the detractors and they are all too often mean. They may not see themselves that way; I do. The internet allows people to hide behind an avatar or text message and that shield can evoke such meanness that people may not have the courage to share in one on one conversations. In response, I try to educate and direct people to an opposite viewpoint with web links and words. Some just keep coming back with the same rhetoric, not caring to investigate. There are those that contentedly spend more time pushing their venom than trying to learn or look at themselves.
I have been doing a fair amount of youtube in the last few months on the “can you be gay and Christian?” issue mostly. I get many comments and a fair amount of personal mail; the bulk of it is kind and even greatly encouraging. Some of it, however, is sad and lonely and defeated and it makes my cry. Then, there are the detractors and they are all too often mean. They may not see themselves that way; I do. The internet allows people to hide behind an avatar or text message and that shield can evoke such meanness that people may not have the courage to share in one on one conversations. In response, I try to educate and direct people to an opposite viewpoint with web links and words. Some just keep coming back with the same rhetoric, not caring to investigate. There are those that contentedly spend more time pushing their venom than trying to learn or look at themselves.
So, this month I decided to give you , the readers in the GLBT community, some background and even a defense when assaulters come at you with one particular phrase of hate speech. How many of you have been called “sodomites” or “sodomists”? Nice terminology . . . not. I regret that a turn of words from the book I most cherish, the Bible, is used to hurt you, to keep you away from church, away from God. This will be a lesson then in counter-discussion from a section of the Bible commonly misunderstood by so many.
Here is the gist of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah so frequently heard about and not as often understood in and out of churches. It is found in Genesis 18 and 19. In about 2100 BC, God was pretty fed up the sister cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and several others in the area south of the Dead Sea around the Jordan River; a region that is now Jordan. Paraphrased, God had heard that the people of the region were so evil and their sin was “so grievous”. God spoke to Abraham and told him He was about to destroy the cities and all the people in them. Abraham pleads with God and asks Him to spare the towns if he, Abraham, can find 50, well, maybe 45, how about 40, make that 30, perhaps 20, will you take 10 righteous people there? “Righteous” at that time meant that they believed in God and lead their lives as though they believed in Him. Ten good people, not too tough you think, in a whole city. I am confident I could round up ten good people in my living room with a few phone calls. But, back to 4000 years ago. God sends two angels down to Sodom to check out the situation and they go to Abraham’s house. The good host insists the visitors spend the night with him because the city is too dangerous. An ancient law of hospitality is in operation here and Abraham protects his guests with his own life. Some men of the city bang on Abraham’s door and demand that the guests be brought out with the intent of gang rape. Gang rape, rape. This is still seen as an act of subjugation in war today. This is important here. Rape is agreed to be a crime of violence, not a mutual sexual act. So the men of Sodom wanted to gang rape the angels.
The next day, the angels blind the men, leave and report to God. Ten righteous men could not be found. The city was destroyed by a violent earthquake and volcano. So what was the issue; why did God deem the people of Sodom so evil? Was it because gang rape was going on? Because homosexuals lived there? All one ever needs to do to find out answers is read and cross reference. Jump ahead in the Bible a few books and 1500 years to a well known prophet Ezekiel and he says, “This was the sin of you sister city of Sodom, she had pride, excess of food and prosperous ease, but did not help the poor and needy. They were arrogant.” What, no mention of homosexuality here? None. The reason Sodom was destroyed was they were arrogant and did not care for their poor. The city was not destroyed because of homosexuals living there.
Another piece of the story: in the Bible, Sodomites are not inhabitants of Sodom even though that would following logical thinking. Sodomites were male and female worshipers of the Canaanite fertility goddess, not homosexuals and not lesbians. They were paid prostitutes used in cult worship in the temples. Sodomites were not homosexuals in loving relationships.
I hope you find this interesting. Unfortunately, the words for sodomite and homosexual have been used interchangeably in culture, tradition and some Bible translations. I want to show that they are not reciprocal. False assumptions repeated and believed have been used to label people in a destructive manner. I hear this fallacy repeated so often and I try to educate, but youtube may not be an effective institution of great learning. But, if I can educate here in RENO OUT so that you can learn to defend yourselves with real information maybe that will be effective. Hate speech is not only hurtful to the hearer; it is hurtful to the speaker. If you are up on your Ekert Tolle on your nightstand, you will know this to be true.
When someone comes at you with unkindness and the story of Sodom in particular, challenge the facts and the thinking. Oh, but please do it kindly. You know, the whole catching bees with honey thing. . . it really does work. I don’t think I have stoop to being mean or cutting in any of my reproaches. No need to, I have information, I have passion, I have a directive and faith that I am certain of.
Recently, your editor, Laura, hosted the showing of “For the Bible Tells Me So.” Wonderful, open discussion followed. If you are wondering if God really can love you and start a dialogue with you just the way you are, rent it and start the journey in your head. I am not saying God is ever pleased with bad behavior. The rules for you are the same rules for me. I find it much easier to be calm when I have knowledge; that is what I wish to extend to you here. Knowledge and truth straight from the source that is misquoted and misused. When things get repeated over and over, they may seem true. Don’t let people label you, don’t let people libel you. Progress can be made with thoughtful, intelligent discussion and kindness. Information can be very powerful and freeing. Intelligent conversation may elevate the understanding beyond the youtube forum. Please don’t let this label stick to you; it is not accurate and it is offensive. So, if someone is rude enough to actually call you a “sodomite”, perhaps you can say, “Can we talk about what the really means?” You might even get an apology.
Kathy Baldock
May 11, 2008
Kathybaldock@helloworld.com
Monday, April 7, 2008
STILL
STILL for RENO OUT mag, June 2008
I am starting this article while sitting on a table rock above Callahan Ranch in Reno where I live. I can see Washoe Valley, the Sierra, the Virginia Range and all the Truckee Meadows and it only took forty minutes of hiking for me to get up here. A prize view for so little effort. The outdoors is where I feel at home. No matter if it is bright and calm or dark and snowy, this is where I can connect with what is inside of me and find not only answers, but peace. I often write my column while hiking, pen in hand scribbling what I hear inside me.
Earlier today, I was at the Convention Center at the Women’s Expo and enjoyed a complimentary massage by your editor’s partner, Adrienne or “A”. She asked me to sit in the chair while she finished up with someone and we immediately gave each other a knowing look. ”A” knew and I knew that sitting down while I waited was not an option. I would have rather interacted with dear Cheryl in the massage chair or any one of the many friends I saw passing by. The exchange started me thinking . . . it has been told to me throughout my life that I do not do “still” well. True. But what is still ?
Most of the absolute truth that I know is God-based. When I think of the word still, my next thought is the verse from the book of poetry, the Psalms. In it David, the great King of Israel who knew everything from great successes to utter failure, writes “Be still and know that I am God.” Not easy when he was being chased after by yet another man that wanted to kill him! (You want to know the real story of David? Read how he seduced a beautiful woman, got her pregnant, tried to cover it up by bringing her husband home from war to sleep with her and then, having him killed on the front lines.) Yes, this is the David that God loved and said searched for Him in earnest. Makes me know I am never too far from God that I can’t find my way back. I will NEVER get that far off the path! When David said “be still”, he was saying essentially -- chill out. So, how do you find calmness, serenity in even the normal schedule of the day?
How is it possible to be in a whirlwind or to go on a strenuous hike and quietly listen? This can be a challenging thought. I had to really consider this. I went back to my Bible and read the verse in an easily read version called The Message and it says “Step out of the traffic, take a long loving look at Me.” Next, I looked at the Hebrew root of the word “still” and it is the same root as the word for “to heal”. Hmm…how do you “step out of the traffic” and heal and recover from all the busyness? For me, it is clearly hiking every day. Even though I do not have television, I find it difficult to focus on what is going on inside me at home. Too many distractions. BUT, when I get my foot on dirt and rocks, I can focus. I can hear. I can process.
Several years ago, I was going through a very difficult time in my marriage. Each day I went up into the canyons (hence, my screen name and now company name-Canyonwalker Connections), and literally laid a rock every day on a pile I created and said to God, “I will do what I need to, just tell me, guide me.” I was building a reminder to my commitment to listen. I continue to do that every day, but now with my dedicated outdoors time. I step out of the traffic and take the time to help get me on the path I should be on, literally and figuratively.
Where do you go to find peace? Peace is usually not found with another person. Some find it in meditation, running, biking . . . . looking into the sky. I suggest that if you have no current space where peace exists, try getting outdoors. We live in a premier spot on the planet. You do not have to go far to get into nature. Every quadrant of this valley has trail heads. Tahoe is a jewel and we have it within a half hour of most of us. My dear friend, Mike White, has written three books on hiking in this area: “Afoot and Afield, Reno-Tahoe”, “50 Classic Hikes in Nevada” and Wilderness Press “Lake Tahoe”. Each is an excellent guide. Go stop by REI and ask most any employee, Mike included, for tips. Visit washoecountyparks.com and search for trailheads and find one near your home.
This summer, I will finally have the time to complete the Tahoe Rim Trail with my buddy, Netto. We have walked many hundreds, even thousands, of miles together over our eight years of friendship. Conversation on a trail beats conversation at Starbuck’s. There are no distractions. We know everything about each other. Tomorrow, I leave for China and she is my roommate and walking pal there too. We will see things others may not because we are trained to absorb while in motion.
Each day I spend a dedicated amount of time out in hills with my dogs. They have “heard” it all from the pain inside that I cry out to conversation of laughter and heart with my dearest friends. I am convinced that the changes I am now deep in the midst of were born on these walks. If I were to listen to others all the time, if I were to get consumed in the traffic and noise of problems, if I were to bury myself in television, I do not think I would now be as focused as I am on intent for my life.
Next month, I will be starting a process of conversation between disparate groups with my friend Denise Cordova of Light of the Soul Church of Christ, and open and affirming church. We will be having discussions with as many groups as we can insert ourselves into in hopes of having open conversations between the gay and straight communities and the Christian church at large. I feel this is the beginning of my significant contribution to bridge-building. This direction and the confidence to pursue it were paved on those unpaved roads I have walked for years. I believe I have been still enough to focus and hear new thinking. What are you missing out on by being busy? What is the world missing out on by you being busy?
The snows have melted, the trails are open….go enjoy them alone, with a partner or your dogs. Step out of the traffic and go sweat and be still. And then, do not be amazed when some new ideas take birth in your head and life, there is gold in “them thar hills” and it may well be inside you striving to come out. Happy trails!
Kathy Baldock
kathybaldock@helloworld.com
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