Be Honest
I was down in San Francisco recently for Gay Pride. Yes, I am not gay. I went there to help some friends of mine who are members of Freedom in Christ Evangelical Church, a “gay church” in the city. I worked an information booth with them and rode their church float on Sunday. Fourteen of us dressed choir robes in colors of the rainbow and sang to a techno-pop mix of praise and worship music. Steven was dressed as an angel and sang and danced above us. I spent most of the remainder of my time in the Civic Center wearing a tee shirt I had emblazoned front and back with “Hurt by church? Get a straight apology here”. Walking around with me was my gay buddy Freddy who wore his shirt with “Gay + Christian = OK”. We were stopped very often, I listened to stories of hurt and I apologized. Many people just said “thank you”.
My eyes were treated to quite a show. Yes, there were the beautifully sculpted gay men, the gaudy transvestites, the colorful faeries, the leather crowd, the young butch lesbians, and the naked men wearing only their tans and their shoes. But, there were also the regular couples. However, the ones that made me really pause and consider were not in the abovementioned groups. They were the older couples that had been together ‘forever”, the ones that you just knew had overcome obstacles that hetero husband/wife relationships do not have to face. Those are the ones I took long looks at.
There was a pair of Asian men in their late seventies tenderly holding onto one another’s arm and dressed in similar red jackets and hats. They gently guided each other through the sometimes rough crowd. There was the gray haired woman pushing her partner in a wheel chair and bending down with whispered exchanges. The male war veterans in their late sixties in military hats and jackets embraced and listened to the concert, not saying a word to one another and connecting in soft touches. These are the forerunners; these are the ones who had to live secreted lies and lives. I wonder if the young girls dirty dancing with each other publically even consider that it was ever any other way?
In doing some of the “work” I do, I hear a lot of stories and people readily open up to me hoping I will be able to communicate information to the straight world. I have already considered that my function is becoming witness/reporter and connector. I know people in the GLBT community with difficult stories and unfortunately, I know less with non eventful stories. I see a thread that runs through it all. That thread is the ability to be honest about sexual orientation early in their lives coupled with support of family. When the underpinnings of life contain love, honesty and support, good things may then blossom.
People like the older Asian men who have had to battle cultural and societal stigmas have, in all likelihood spent a lot of time closeted. One of my 50 year old friends on the float had just come out publically. He felt brave and liberated and recognized he could be seen by many and by television on that float. He has avoided close relationships since his twenties for fear that someone might find out. The longer people have had to hide or live the lie, the more pain they have experienced. The combination of homosexuality less whispered and the openness of the internet means the younger GLBT community isn’t burdened to carry the secrets their forerunners have. I readily see the benefit of this. They can be more honest with themselves and others averting problems that do not have to be. The two generations under 30 are more tolerant of differences and more social justice oriented; it is becoming a safer environment. I am not saying the playing field is equal yet, but it is not the 60’s anymore either. Straight people may want to shove them back in the closet, but I see the emotional health in honesty.
When a person feels forces from every side speaking of their unworthiness and when pressures keep people from being who they are, a laundry list of problems arise. This is not unique to the gay community, but when you add the layer of non-reconciliation of gender attraction onto life’s problem, you get deepened pain. And we all know gay men and women who have gotten married to the opposite sex knowing they were gay and hoping to get around it and over it with heterosexual marriage. Consider the difficulties that could have been avoided if the unreconciled partner could have just been allowed by society to be homosexual. If they had just struggled to reconciliation rather than live in decades of deceit and frustration. This particular scenario is one I am very familiar with. I know dozens of men in the 40 to 70 year old range who married women in order to do “the right thing”. They struggled for years and leave devastated women and families in the wreckage when they leave. What pain could have been saved had honesty prevailed? I do understand that honesty was not the easy route, society didn’t allow for it. And when the break finally comes, people get hurt by the deception.
The youth doesn’t have to write that sad tale anymore. If you are still young, don’t take that route for the sake of your own self worth and consideration to others. Coming out is easier for this group. (Note that I say easier, not easy.) Sure, some parents will freak out and, it is said that it takes between 6 months and 2 years for parents to come to grips with the news. There are books, support groups like PFLAG, information on the internet, higher visibility of the gay community and a population that is more open to the discussion of it. I will never profess to know what anyone personally will struggle with in their own families when the news hits. The consequences could range from being kicked out of the home in one extreme to total acceptance on the other. Parents would be wise to be accepting; the resources I will mention have advice for parents too. I see the direct correlation of honesty, self worth and other-acceptance. People that have had to hide carry heavy baggage and it will affect relationships. You can’t let people in when you live in fear of intimacy, in fear of relationship.
I saw the great value of this when Kennan and his Mom stop overnight in my home on their way to Colorado this week. Kennan, in his late twenties, is amazingly mature and self accepting. His family supported and loved him in the whole coming out process. He actually expressed to me that he has never experienced any kind of bashing. Wouldn’t that be wonderful for all younger people to be able to say that? Wouldn’t it be great if people didn’t have to hide in sham marriages? Won’t it be a welcome day when polite people do not make any gay joke overtures the way that ethnic jokes are no longer acceptable? (Remember when they actually were?!)
I want to encourage people to be honest with their families about their sexual orientation for their own sakes. I believe that, when society as a whole, forces people to deny who they are, we set up patterns of destruction. If you are young and not out to your parents, there are two great resources online at: PFLAG.org and outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html. There is expert advice in these publications for parents and kids. I need to stress again: READ the resources; it can avert disastrous consequences. Simple tips: plan the conversation; do not blurt it out in anger in an argument. And choose who you come out to, use wisdom. Please don’t allow deceit to mold and confuse your life. Don’t get to be 50 or 60 and look back and see the life that should have been. The day to day can be difficult enough without enshrouding it in dark shadows.
The happiest gay people I know are honest with who they are; the ones who have experienced the most hurt are the ones who hid too long or are still hiding. Those older folks I saw at SF Gay pride had to hide. Go have a life where you can shape your own identity and not have some other group do it for you. I wish everyone could have Kennan’s story of family and self acceptance; it began with honesty and approval all around. And it resulting in a young man that I am honored to call my friend, a young man who is on a path to personal, relational and professional success. Take who you are with pride and go make the world a better place.
Kathy Baldock
July 3, 2008
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